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31 July 2011 @ 11:47 pm
fic: the theory of narrative causality; v  
hchatmod (hchatmod) wrote in holmeschat,
@ 2011-06-11 09:12:00



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2011-06-11 08:07 pm (local) (link)
Hello, my darlings!

I am quite new to your quaint little community and its pretty little rules — hullo, Moddie dear! — but I'm told I ought to pay my respects to the members of this remarkable fandom. After all, you will come to know me much better in upcoming days!

Now, then. I am also told that there are some... shall we say, recalcitrant people among you all. Surely that will not do at all. Take salts_theway, for instance. Very unladylike, you are, my dear, you might need yourself a little boyfriend to tame down your truculent urges. Oh, and miss_toby! poor little mouse, always so riddled with uncertainty. And such a dreadful lack of confidence. Always thinking you are not good enough for anyone — and quite right, you are! surely you didn't think your ridiculous little crush on consulting_detective would come to any profit, did you?

And all of you worshipping jumperfucker's silly stories. Oh, I could tell you so much about little Johnny's life that would appall you all. Should I indulge in the pleasure, do you think?

And then, oh yes. There is the case of consulting_detective. Boo.

It has always been difficult, has it not, to be the cleverest man in the room? to be bullied because of your delightful brains? oh, you are quite the Sherlock Holmes. A little child prodigy, looking up to the stories of his youth, never taken seriously by anyone. Do you know, where I come from, we call it a hero complex. What did it feel like when you first tried to gatecrash a crime scene and the police told you kindly to shove off?

I have giggled at your antics with sweet Johnny, you know. He does make quite a good little pet, does he not? so in awe of you, so inspiring. Lovely, truly. Too bad he is not quite on par with you on the intelligence level, but then nobody ever is, is there?

Anywho. Just wanted to pay my respects, my dears. See you again very soon!

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2011-06-11 08:28 pm (local) (link)
What. The fuck. Is this.

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2011-06-11 08:32 pm (local) (link)
Oh, Harry. Harry, Harry, Harry. How was your gin bottle last night?

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2011-06-11 08:36 pm (local) (link)
Harry, do you know him?

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2011-05-22 08:40 pm (local) (link)
No! at least I don't. I don't think so.

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2011-06-11 08:42 pm (local) (link)
Oh, no, neither of you knows me at all. And yet you do! how funny life is.

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2011-06-11 08:49 pm (local) (link)
I don't need a fucking boyfriend, you creepy little fucker. If this is consulting_detective in disguise, I'm going to punch a kitten.

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2011-06-11 08:53 pm (local) (link)
Please don't punch kittens.

It's not him. He wouldn't do something so disgusting.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

2011-06-11 08:57 pm (local) (link)
Of course the freak would

You see him praise his own fucking self all over this post, it's revolting

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2011-06-11 08:59 pm (local) (link)
Uh, seriously. Shut up.

Look, I know consulting_detective. He's a bit of a jerk, but he's not a freak, and he's certainly not the kind of stalker that would spout out insults about other fandom members on a sockpuppet. Okay? okay.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

2011-06-11 09:06 pm (local) (link)
Of course I'm not. If I want to insult people I would hardly need to make a secret account for it. You might want to use your brains, andres_son.

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Pre-Ban Notice
2011-06-11 09:11 pm (local) (link)
Alright, that's enough. This thread has been frozen. the_professor, I don't know who the hell you are or what the fuck you think you're doing, but this is going too far. If it's a joke, it's a sick one, and we expect apologies in the briefest delay.

Meanwhile, consider this your a pre-ban notice — pull this kind of stunt again and you will be banned without notification.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

goodnight, mr sherlock holmes (lass_sirene ) wrote in fandom_wank,
@ 2011-06-29 10:37:00

"Good morning, Holmes!" I said to my friend and flatmate, as I returned to our lodgings on Baker Street that fine June morning to find him curled up in his armchair by the fireside, his mouse dressing-gown pulled tight around the edges of his, his long legs folded underneath him and his graceful fingers carelessly handling a letter. "What is this, a case?"

"Not quite," he replied, flashing me a swift smile from over the thin letter paper. "A confidence, rather. They have asked for my… advice, certainly, but my assistance I think will not be required."

"Then why do you look so happy?" I seated myself in my armchair, feeling more cheerful by the minute as I picked up my pipe. "Does the matter have some matters of interest, despite its not requiring your involvement?"

"You could certainly say so, Watson," he said, sounding quite as cheerful as I. "Settle yourself quite comfortable, my dear man, and listen well, for this is quite the pretty story..."


consulting_detective; a modern Sherlock Holmes and popular fanartist, infamous for his antics;
jumperfucker; consulting_detective's boyfriend best friend, BNF fic writer;
the_professor; a self-avowed stalker;
theimprobableone; a troll;
jim_fromit; a perfectly nice guy;
miss_toby; jim_fromit 's girlfriend;
let_us_trade, my_croft and mrs_hudson; Overlords Mods;
w_harry; jumperfucker's sister;
sarah_s, storm_ford, not_thatbillneveryou_again, di_mock, lass_sirene; assorted Lj users;
Sherlock Holmes fandom;

ACT ONE: the premises

In late March, 2011, jumperfucker and consulting_detective are paired together in the shbigbang. See our entry on the subject here. It's the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

As their relationship strengthens (i.e., becomes more and more homoerotic), people begin to suspect a certain something between them, and make several suggestions about their (potential) sex-life. Kinkmeme fills abound. jumperfucker and consulting_detective consistently deny the rumours, but do not help themselves by flirting quite incessantly and even writing RPF fic of themselves.

Late April: jumperfucker complains of being sent threatening messages by theimprobableone, who bears 1) an empty profile, and 2) a single entry on their journal. After jumperfucker bans theimprobableone from commenting/sending him PMs, he receives several anonymous comments along the same vein, and turns off anon commenting for a week. You can find some of the anon comments jumperfucker has disdained to delete here, or here. Eventually, the anon, who can safely be assumed to be theimprobableone, grows tired of making useless threats, flounces one last time, and disappears. (Note: jumperfucker has kept this comment for posterity.)

Mid-June: everything goes to hell.

ACT TWO: the_professor enters

On the 13th of June, a new member of holmeschat starts this thread, since frozen by the mod, in which they attack several key members of the fandom, and make personal remarks on their lives, most of which appear to be true. the_professor thus earns himself the reputation of a stalker, and is given a wide berth in all the other Sherlock Holmes communities.

andres_son suggests that the_professor's apparent admiration of consulting_detective's skills might indicate that he is, in fact, a sockpuppet created by him. jumperfucker angrily responds. consulting_detective's own answer is scathing. salts_theway seems to agree with andres_son for a while, but eventually appears to change her mind.

consulting_detective then proceeds to argue that the_professor is only a new, more educated version of jumperfucker's previous stalker. The theory is ignored for the moment, but will later, we'll see, be accepted as true by most members of the fandom.

the_professor makes several more posts on cox_and_co and holmeschat in a matter of days (and sporadically appears on shkinkmeme as well), without attacking any more LJ users, and resorting only to criticizing the '09 movie rather violently (which will give the detractors of the consulting_detective = the_professor theory a lot of material to work with, as consulting_detective has often in the past expressed his dislike for the Ritchie 'verse.) He seems to ship Holmes/Moriarty belligerently, considers it canon and refuses to admit any other reading of the ACD stories. One discussion he has with miss_toby (who ships Holmes/Irene primarily) turns sour, and the_professor is eventually banned from holmeschat on the 15th of June.

After that, the fandom settles down a bit, laughs at itself for a while, and goes on their merry ways, thinking the wank is over for this time.


ACT THREE: the calm before the storm

the_professor continues to flounce in his own journal, but is, for the most part, ignored. Several members, such as sarah_s or lass_sirene, make posts commenting on the past few days, and warn to STAY AWAY FROM HIM, quoting several of the grievances they have been subjected to. Most of the fandom agrees, and both let_us_trade and my_croft write a WARNING POST in holmeschat and cox_and_co.

consulting_detective remains very quiet, appearing briefly on his own journal and apparently talking with jumperfucker in chats. He does not comment on the wank.

neveryou_again makes a post on the_professor's obvious misogyny, relying on the_professor's especially scathing comments towards the known female members of the comms.

mrs_hudson , the mod of shkinkmeme, writes an open letter to the troll, in which she tells him,

"If you have tried to threaten us, you have failed. If you have tried to frighten us, you have failed. If you have tried to goad us, you have failed. You have only managed to make a masquerade of yourself, made yourself petty and mean in our opinions."

People everywhere cheer. Several of the commenters on this post advise the_professor to take some of mrs_hudson's infamous herbal soothers to calm himself down. the_professor makes an anon apparition, going as far as signing his comment, but gets mostly U MAD for a reply.

On the 19th, jumperfucker posts a new entry about trolls and how to recognize them, a fairly humorous post, in which he mocks the_professor's rather unique writing style.

the_professor posts an anon comment on this post, threatening jumperfucker to reveal what he knows.

jumperfucker replies with a very eloquent macro.

ACT FOUR: the explosion

On the 20th of June, the_professor writes a new entry to his journal, which he proceeds to advertise in every community he wasn't banned from, in which he announces a Grand Reveal of jumperfucker's shameful secrets two days later. Comments on this are divided. w_harry's reaction is violent; jumperfucker tells everyone to ignore the troll and he'll go away. Despite this, several people profess their interest for the_professor's information.

On the 21st, the_professor makes the promised entry about jumperfucker, in which he proceeds to give his real life name, his birthdate, his current address, his place of work, and even his favourite restaurant. With pictures. And threatens to nudge his employers towards his journal.

The great revelation, in fact, is that — according to the_professorjumperfucker's real name is John Watson. Oh, and he's an ex-army doctor who was wounded in Afghanistan. Ring any bells yet?

Fandom proceeds to freak the fuck out.

Comments explode under two hours. Many call troll. Many demand the deletion of the entry, whether the information contained in it is true or not. There is a long thread as to the ethics of outing someone. After four hours, the cat macros begin to come out.

Those who are known to have met jumperfucker IRL, such as sarah_s and storm_ford , are assaulted with questions as soon as they comment on the post as to the truth of the_professor's assertions. Both of them decline to comment.

Eventually, jumperfucker finally arrives six hours after the entry's being posted, fails to confirm his identity one way or another, and asks the_professor why he enjoys harassing him so insistently, and what he has ever done to him. the_professor then accuses him of being too close to consulting_detective.

jumperfucker: "Don't flatter yourself."

the_professor: "A pet is good enough to have, but when it comes to being challenged intellectually, you are hardly good enough."

jumperfucker: "and yet he has not yet graced you with his company, has he?"

As more LJ users continue to pour in, alerted by several warning posts, the discussion becomes rather more violent, threatening the_professor of being stalked back and of taking revenge. Eventually, the commenters are divided between a large majority who condemns the_professor and back jumperfucker, and a minority who do not condone the_professor's stalker behaviour, but congratulate him on taking on a well-known BNF. Plus assorted trolls.

Old grievances begin to come out. jumperfucker asks everybody to calm down. Nobody does.

let_us_trade comments on his journal that "If the_professor had slicked the entire fandom in petrol and then took a match to it… he could not have had a better result than what is currently happening to us."

ACT FIVE: the counter-attack

consulting_detective had remained fairly quiet during all this, despite his boyfriend best friend being directly threatened. Several people, andres_son as their head, have argued that it was proof of their consulting_detective = the_professor theory. On June 25th, however, consulting_detective makes a new entry, in which he makes the following points:

- theimprobableone was jumperfucker's first stalker, and came back anon after he was banned for about a week.
- the_professor's arrival in fandom pretty much coincides with theimprobableone's disappearance.
- their IP addresses match.
- hence, it is safe to assure they are the same person, or at least are working together.


- theimprobableone expressed himself with poor grammar, poorer spelling, and no punctuation at all.
- the_professor's writing, by contrast, is very nearly flawless (if a bit hyped up.)
- it is therefore safe to assume they are the same person, who assumes different writing styles.


- theimprobableone and the_professor's IP addresses match with jim_fromit's.

Fandom collectively goes WHAT THE FUCK.

Many, including miss_toby , jim_fromit's girlfriend, refuse to believe him. Others agree that it is suspicious. Several people consider the fact that the_professor seems to know SH fandom very well, despite his being a new member.

On June 26th, however, twenty-three hours after consulting_detective's newest post, jim_fromit writes a new entry in his own journal, in which he admits to being the_professor. This marks the disappearance of his nice guy demeanor, and the jim_fromit journal is then accepted as yet another sockpuppet. (Although possibly the original sockpuppet.)

This thread on holmeschat has the fandom's reactions, from "I always knew he was weird," to "How could he fool us all so well?" miss_toby makes an uncomprehending apparition, and is instantly shepherded by salts_theway and storm_ford.

Yesterday, June 28th: jim_fromit makes another entry, comments closed, to tell SH fandom it's been fun, and he'll see them again very soon. Oh, and take care of your little pets. See you all later, darlings!

The fandom is still catching its breath. More developments later?

ETA: lass_sirene has a round-up post here.

ETA the second: it would seem that jim_fromit was working with miss_toby as well as dating her, but has now disappeared from their place of work. miss_toby mentioned this in her journal.

tiger_trap, a complete unknown in the Sherlock Holmes fandom who seems to write mostly Star Trek, commented on this post, claiming to be jim_fromit 's real partner (warning: the content of his comment is more unfunny_fandom than fandom_wank).

miss_toby has not replied. salts_theway has. Comments were since closed.

ETA numéro trois: the_professor's post about jumperfucker has been deleted. Screencaps here.

ETAs are forever: consulting_detective's post on the whole wank.

ETA and ETA have a baby: more screencaps.

ETA n° OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK: my_croft has just made this post in cox_and_co:

"The disturbance is over. The disturber has been taken care of. Please resume your usual activities.

We would like to extend our apologies to miss_toby for the hardship she has just undergone, as well as jumperfucker, for failing to protect him properly. We hope it will not cause you both to leave this fandom, as we greatly enjoy your contributions."

jim_fromit, the_professor and theimprobableone have all been deleted. (Screencaps welcome.) Fandom is still... wondering.

("So you see, my dear Watson, this is how the situation stands," Sherlock Holmes said thoughtfully, stuffing his pipe. "I expect they will not necessitate my help at all; this consulting_detective appears to be doing all the work himself quite as well as I would."

"Holmes," I said, slowly — "what kind of stories are these people writing about us?")

(See comments) - (Post a new comment)

cute enough to shoot you down (jumperfucker ) wrote,
@ 2011-06-30 17:27:00

So this was a big bad mess.

There's quite a lot that has been said and done by a lot of people over the last few days, and I've not quite finished reading all the links included in this round-up, but I'd like to address a few issues here.

Many, many thanks to all the lovely people who've gotten me through this, sent me encouragement and v-gifts, or just simply held my hand, figuratively and literally. I am endlessly grateful to you all, and grateful to be sharing this amazing fandom with such fantastic people. Thank you so much.

Kudos to our three Overlords — let_us_trade, mrs_hudson — for dealing with this conflict responsibly and without losing (too much of) their pretty heads. Mods as respectful and open-minded as they are are rare, and we're pretty damn lucky to have them.

To those who have been making disgraceful comments about miss_toby — CUT. THAT. OUT. miss_toby has been betrayed by someone she trusted, and has dealt with the fall-out in a more sensible and courageous manner than anyone else could have done. Leave her the fuck alone.

And the great revelation, because, well, I'd be kidding myself if I said this isn't what everybody's been talking about. Yes, my name is John Watson. For the record, my parents hadn't read the books until after I was born, and weren't at all aware that Doyle's Watson's first name was John when they chose a name for me. (Not that Doyle did, either. He seemed pretty damn confused about the whole thing himself.) I also am an ex-army doctor, and I was invalidated home from Afghanistan, which was, and remains, a complete and utter coincidence. In some ways, really, this only makes me sad; well over a century has passed, and yet the conflicts are still there, in the same place.

I went there with the wish to help people, in a greater and higher way than I could if I just stayed at home to tend to the flu and the occasional chicken pox. It was... overwhelming. I am not quite sure whether I found something there. What I do know is that coming back to London after that, with a shattered shoulder and a very stiff leg, was a terrible, dreary experience. And then I found fandom.

Someone — I think you will guess who — once told me that I used Sherlock Holmes fanfiction as a means of coping with my trauma. It's true in many ways. Fandom gave me a certain anchor at a time when it was all I could do not to simply drown myself in London. It gave me purpose through writing, gave me friends, made me get a grip on my life and go out for job interviews when I needed to. Writing Watson's POV was very helpful as well, because it was easy to protect myself in the skin of an ex-army doctor wounded in action, and it helped me get a certain sense of perspective.

But he's not me, and I don't write him as me. My interpretation of him is influenced by my own experiences, that's true enough, but I and my betas work hard to make sure he is his own character, faithful to the book, the Granada series, or the '09 movie.

And there are good outcomes to this whole wreck of a wank anyhow. Most of you know that w_harry is my sister. Most of you do not know that following my return to London two years ago, she was just out of a very bloody divorce with her new ex-wife Clara.

And, well. Apparently, I'm not the only one who finds an involvement in fandom cathartic. And if you're on their flists, you probable know that w_harry and neveryou_again have had a very charming, very flirty relationship these past few months. When my real name came out a few days ago, neveryou_again put two and two together and realized that all this time she had been steadily flirting with her own ex-wife.

So now they've off on vacation together, enjoying the Bermudas and probably having a lot of sex, so I guess some good things have come out of all this mess.

Let's just calm the fuck down, yeah?

(89 comments) - (Post a new comment)

2011-06-30 06:37 pm (local) (link)
I'm so sorry, John. I wasn't expecting this when I introduced you to fandom.

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2011-06-30 06:42 pm (local) (link)
It's fine. Bit of a shock, though.

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2011-06-30 06:49 pm (local) (link)
Thank you. *hugs*

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2011-06-30 06:52 pm (local) (link)
*hugs back*

You're welcome. You've been a queen throughout this. Don't hesitate to ask if you need anything, yeah?

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2011-06-30 06:52 pm (local) (link)
I will. :)

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2011-06-30 06:55 pm (local) (link)
She's got me anyhow — we're eating ice cream and swearing off men forever. :P

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2011-06-30 07:13 pm (local) (link)
Good on you, mate. Don't let that fucker bring you down

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2011-06-30 07:17 pm (local) (link)
Yeah, don't worry. I'm here to stay.

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2011-06-30 07:36 pm (local) (link)
Don't worry. If I see anyone loitering around the surgery, I'll run them off.

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2011-06-30 07:38 pm (local) (link)
My hero. :D

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21:54consulting.detective: For what it's worth, I'm sorry.
21:55you: hey
it's not your fault
21:56consulting.detective: I ought to have prevented it.
21:56you: you ought to have nothing at all
we all thought it was a troll, there was no way you could have known
21:58consulting.detective: Of course there was a way I could have known. I'm too clever not to have known.
21:59you: yes you are.
but that doesn't mean you're psychic
it's fine, sherlock, i swear
22.00consulting.detective: And now your identity is out there for the world to see.
He did that.
I could rip him limb by limb for it.
22:01you: calm down, tiger.
it was only a matter of time before a thing like that happened.
there were going to be leaks eventually, too many people knowing
and anyway i haven't gotten any stalkers yet, so that's good
22.01consulting.detective: He put you in the line of fire.
22.03you: yeah, he did.
because he knew i'd make a good weapon
against you.
it was never about me, sherlock.
22:04consulting_detective: Of course it was about you.
It's always been about you.
22:04you: I
22:05consulting.detective: It wasn't me he sent inflammatory comments to.
22:06you: that's exactly what i mean
he used me
because he knew he could get you that way
22:06consulting.detective: He knew I'd gotten too involved.
22:07you: don't you dare.
don't you fucking dare say that to me, sherlock holmes.
22:08consulting.detective: I don't regret it, John.
22:10you: good.
you know
I don't regret you either.
I don't think I could if I tried.
you're so
so brilliant and amazing and
i wasn't joking when i said i felt like the original john watson faced with the original sherlock holmes, you know
22:11consulting.detective: John
John, I.
I would very much like to know what you mean by that.
22:12you: just that
i can't do this
22:13consulting.detective: that's
22:14you: online, i mean
I can't do this with nothing but a screen and a keyboard in front of me.
i want to see you
22:15consulting.detective: ...
There is an Italian restaurant at the corner of Northumberland Street. Angelo's. I go there often enough.
8 p.m, tomorrow.
22:16you: right, I'll be there.
goodnight, sherlock. see you then.
you are disconnected.
Rayna (Nin)ningen_demonai on August 1st, 2011 02:48 am (UTC)
Ah, the-professor. I forgot how much I hate his trolly guts. Well done, Sara.

... Was that eloquent macro there before. Omg.

"what kind of stories are these people writing about us?"
Still one of my favorite bits of the epic wank post. OH WATSON, YOU KNOW WHERE IT'S AT.

appreciating the habit of randomnessrandomisedhabit on August 1st, 2011 02:49 am (UTC)
A bit of timeline stuff I noticed: In the fandom_wank round-up post, Act One and Two cite the time when Moriarty becomes more active as June. Therefore it should be June in the first line in Act Four and June 30th (!) at the beginning of Act Five as well as the first of July halfway down to the first ETA. :)
il advint qu'un beau soir;falling_voices on August 1st, 2011 07:55 am (UTC)
My god, thank you so much. I posted this half-awake at midnight yesterday, and I knew I'd forgotten to alter something from the previous version. It's been fixed now. ♥
Mackenzie Bray: I just cook for mine. She's not picky.threebooks3 on August 1st, 2011 10:35 am (UTC)
"Kudos to our three Overlords — let_us_trade, mrs_hudson —"

I'm guessing there's a my_croft missing from that list?
Elizabethbananahater336 on August 1st, 2011 09:43 pm (UTC)
OMG, THE PROFESSOR. D= I was wondering if it was going to end up being Jim. I mean, I knew it had to be just based on canon but COME ON. Poor John! And then Sherlock just taking Jim down for messing with John. So my favorite thing ever. FAVORITE THING EVER. And they're finally going to meet! *fluttery happy days!*
voices in the darkmisha0529 on August 3rd, 2011 10:50 am (UTC)
And then shit gets REAL sad :(


The disturbance is over. The disturber has been taken care of. Please resume your usual activities. I LOVE THIS. Oh, Mycroft.

And Sherlock and John FINALLY meet!
(Anonymous) on November 3rd, 2011 06:16 am (UTC)
I can't believe you actually set up all of these LJ accounts. And then linked to a real fic in one of the comments! I love how you're blurring the boundaries between the construction and fandom.
bellcheria: JohnLockbellcheria on July 15th, 2012 04:43 am (UTC)
bjbfdnalsknalsd so ksankjda omg fnsakdnajsd meet up kabkjanckjs lemme die cksbknak jumping to the next part like MADbkjs
Starluff: pic#123411739stellinia on June 26th, 2014 07:41 pm (UTC)

I can't form coherent thoughts at the moment so I'm just going to *SQUEE!!!!!* and run down to part vi
Babedont_callmebabe on September 19th, 2016 12:08 am (UTC)
That chat !!!!